I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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