If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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