i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Someone came in the potted fern
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
