It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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