I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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