please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
