Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
