This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
