I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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