She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
