if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
