miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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