my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
