How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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