I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm sobbing to NWA
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
