I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
that's an acceptable place to lick
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize