And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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