I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
