What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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