I wish I could teleport
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize