Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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