he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
