drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
