As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
