U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
