Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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