That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He kissed a someone with a penis
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
