I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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