I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
