I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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