My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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