i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
