i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Randomize
