Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
