it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
