dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
