i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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