So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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