I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
