Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize