I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
