When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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