Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
