Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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