I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
