I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
