i need an iv and a liver transplant
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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