M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
