Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
