True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
