I can feel you judging me through the phone.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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