just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
