Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
