i used baking grease as lip gloss
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
