just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
