i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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