Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
