Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
