I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
