I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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